HAPPY SUNDAY (red confetti falls from the sky－oh and balloons. Lots and lots of balloons)!
As I wake up and start my normal “routine” (read my last post if you want to know what this fascinating process is like) I can’t help but to stop smiling because shawty is happy (translation: Ashley Valentine feels happy and is in a happy place). Prior to departing the US in mid June I shared with my therapist how happy I was at that time, and how I was nervous that the gleeful spirit I housed would dwindle. I was overcome with thoughts that I could be back in my self-fed and created sunken place. It’s been more than 2 months and although I do have bad days; everything doesn’t always go my way and of course I get lonely; I am overall still happy.
When I have moments where I feel down, I concentrate on all the positives.
I am traveling the country of Guatemala, planning a business, closing deals that guarantee income streams when I return home, living abroad, experiencing new opportunities, making money, eating well, going to the gym, managing this stubborn adult acne, sleeping in a bed where I feel safe and making my own decisions. I can say that I am in a much better position than I was in 5-6 months ago. Then, I fixated on all that was wrong with my life and why it wasn’t as awesome as the lives you get momentary glimpses into on Instagram or during brief face-to-face encounters.
When loneliness comes over me, I try to sit with it, then let it pass. Loneliness is a normal emotion to feel. Rather than quickly jumping on the phone to call someone and feed my need for attention, I process exactly what is happening that makes me feel that way. I have honestly never enjoyed spending time alone. When alone I have been quick to call someone. This has resulted in me spending hours talking about nothing (other people and their problems). Or resorted in me occupying my time with people just so I wouldn’t have to spend it alone. That led to tons of asinine decisions that I won’t get specific about and moments I can’t take back all because I was “lonely”. Loneliness for me equates to idle time. Idle time is generally spent making decisions off the cusp that aren’t thought out & have adverse effects.
I’ve began spending my lonely moments getting to know myself and being uncomfortable (I say uncomfortable because that’s exactly how it feels). One lesson I have learned is that I have to be okay feeling uncomfortable. Uncomfortable is where I think my best when doing true self-reflection. Aside from reflecting, I try to find ways to occupy my time alone. No, this time isn’t always spent productively (I don’t always write, or read a book, or plan out my goals, or watch a Netflix documentary on why I should be a vegan, pluck the hairs that meet in the middle to create my unibrow, or strategize how to become a baws- that’s my attempt to say “boss” like Rick Ross), but the feeling of loneliness subsides. I’m never in a constant state of feeling alone because I know that regardless of the hour, I can hop on the phone and call someone to entertain me, laugh me out of crying, and comfort me. I can also pray because that always leads to be falling asleep somewhere in the middle of the prayer and who can feel lonely in their sleep?
I’ve grown wise enough to not waste my valuable time talking about others. I have this theory that when people run out of productive things to say, or have finished talking about what they have going on in their life, dead air’s filled with negativity because you have nothing else worth saying but insist on still talking. How can you truly be happy, if you are speaking ill of others? Maybe someone else can, I wasn’t. The energy I used to try to crush someone else was dampening my ability to shine. What I thought made me funny and witty was indeed a character flaw that needed checkin’. How foolish to sit around being jealous of people, sharing this bitter jealousy with others then sitting in the same space as the person who I had thought enough about to discuss in private and smile in their face all while soaking up even more fuel for my jealous fire (shaking my head at the thought of my own ways- tisk tisk Valentine). If you’re walking around talking badly about people, just stop. You’re like a balloon filled with flatulence releasing that toxic gas into the atmosphere. You stink! Really, just stink! Figure out what it is about that person you
1. secretly desire, or
2. dislike to much that drives you to speak openly about it openly.
If it’s something you want, stop talking about them and use that time and same ehnagee (translation: energy in my Brooklyn accent, because I like the way they pronounce energy with such power) to work towards the things you want. If it’s because you dislike something they’re doing consider just making a mental note and avoid making the same “mistake” if that’s what you see it as.
While on the phone with friends, babe-a-licious, or family, when I run out of things to share and them out of stories to tell & updates to brief me on, I get off the phone.
Not eloquently either.
Rather abruptly I’ll say my go-to, “Okay, that’s all I have to say, I don’t have anything else to talk about. Call you later”. This prevents the gossip demon from submerging from it’s grave (it’s still kind of shallow, I’m working on throwing more dirt on it and packing it down well). I no longer want to house that spirit within the soul that I am working on repairing and growing. I’m going back to good-ole’ motto: “If you have nothing nice to say…” you know the rest.
Lately, every time I sit to write about my travels, food I’ve eaten and experiences I’ve had I always end up straying off topic and landing somewhere in the “Get Yo’ Life Together” section of the blogging world.
Mission update people on Guatemala failed!
But this journey has turned into one of self-work and self-reflection with sprinkles of googly-eyed tourist throughout.
I promise the next post will be ON TOPIC, I swear.
Until next time!
#SheJumped and is focused more on building, cleansing and growing, and less on walking around taking pictures of random stuff and telling you about it. But I swear I’m going to get back to it because that’s why many of you come here. Pinky Swear! Don’t unsubscribe yet!
Oh I’ve the perfect song this week too. Enjoy
Sister Act 2-Oh Happy Day