Finished breakfast. If you follow me on Instagram, you probably guessed that it was a combination of
collard greens, onions, jalapeno, soy sauce and teriyaki with a side of fruit that I generally finish while in the process of slicing it.
I have pretty much enjoyed the same breakfast for the past few weeks－that is, when I’m actually in the city. Now that breakfast is done, I am sitting in my kitchen, blessed by the sunlight that warms my tanned shoulders, back and spirit as it beams through my windows.
Jhene Aiko’s latest album, Trip, is blaring through my iPhone speakers, and my fingers gleefully type away.
The album is melodic, relaxing, and is speaking to me this morning. As my head sways from side to side, my breaths are calm and relaxed. The scent of warm ginger turmeric tea fills my nostrils and belly.
I’m learning that dreaming is easy; activating my dream is the hard part. I am an expert at curating ideas; implementation is where I run for the hills. My mind churns beautiful visions. When I meditate and spend time reflecting, I sit in awe. Ashley is still happier than ever before. I continue to be in a space of peace. But turning my dreams, hopes, and fantasies into action is… complicated.
When I try to compare this dreams-deferred space I linger on something, I compare it to an artist. In the studio. Creating beautiful pieces of work, escaping life’s woes in their own tranquility and energy.
I’m in my studio, refusing to leave.
My dreams are in the dream phase and frozen.
I am struggling to move them forward. No one else can marvel, appreciate my artwork and I am certainly not getting monetary compensation for dreaming.
I have entrepreneur jitters
I can’t say that I am scared to live my dream; however, I am reluctant to work my dreams because I fear that others may not believe, or invest in them.
I am in love with literacy, and teaching. Teaching brings me happiness and takes me to another place. Building and exploring the curiosity of youth, while exposing them to new things is invigorating. Ask any teacher who isn’t burned out. The feeling keeps you lingering in the doorway, anxious to enter the room and experience the challenge and high of teaching. Teaching makes me happy.
Trying to carve a new role for myself is challenging.
While everyone values education, I fear that if I ask parents to invest in it outside of the traditional classroom, I may be rejected.
Sounds ridiculous right? I’m afraid of the “no” that leads to the “yes”.
The confidence I house is still being nurtured. Watered. I don’t know that she is ready for any fatal blows.
Like a parent at the park holding their child’s hand. Afraid to let them play. Not necessarily afraid of what your child can or can’t be, but afraid of the cruel world around them.
The happy space feels so good, I’m standing, basking and setting up a tent in this space. Cementing my soles in this place.
This morning I am going to challenge myself to attend a meeting where I am promoting my services in hopes of securing a contract for my literacy and art services.
Saying it, makes me nervous－the smooth, relaxing tone of Jhene’s voice singing harmoniously over the soothing, captivating track brings me back to a tranquil place.
I, Ashley Valentine am scared as hell to work my dream and think almost daily about just getting a job because I don’t quite yet believe that my dream will generate income.
I don’t have any motivational message, or answer to my own dilemma today. I figured I would just be honest and open.
Dreams don’t become reality because I want them to. Do I want my dreams bad enough, or am I a bigger fan of just dreaming?
What I do know is that I am going to reach out to a few women and begin to surround myself with a force field of goddesses who inspire and encourage me.
In this past, this aura and energy made me envious, jealous and I lusted after the success they had attained. I have successfully worked through that and know where that energy comes from.
This connecting with beautiful women is also hard for me, but challenges worth the rewards are never easy. Although I continue to water my self-confidence, the devil still rests on my shoulder from time to time and whispers that I’m not good enough. I continue to work at self-love.
Being honest, vulnerable and authentic helps.
Now that I am actively using social media on almost a daily basis, I do feel an unspoken urge to compete with others.
I have to be mindful that not too long ago, I was unable to even interact on social media because these emotions consumed me. I have decided that aside from blogging, I will pull back from social media. I am reminded that everything is not an absolute necessity－caring for myself is.
Eyes shut slowly, as a smile parts my lips and greets my dimples. I vibe to the album as it hypnotizes and embraces me－is it exactly what I need to hear right now.
Music has a way of grounding and soothing me.