Why didn’t anyone tell me life as an entrepreneur was so hard!
Nobody speaks about the adversity of struggling to build a brand and a business
Nobody is on Instagram with a sad face and a bank account statement with a negative balance
No one is making the tough decision between going to dinner and staying home to eat the same dish you’ve been making with slight modifications for the past month.
No one explained to me that the money I had saved up was actually NOT going to be considered savings once I quit a full-time job.
The warmth and comfort of a full-time job is soothing. Familiar. Going to bed knowing that a check will welcome you every other Friday whether you deserve it or not is like sniffing heaven.
My locs hit the cold entrepreneur pillow at night and my brain goes into “get this money mode” trying to figure out how to navigate this inflatable raft (with a hole in it)
THIS CAN’T BE LIFE!
The internet is not my friend
I’m still learning how to market my business and attract customers who are interested in PAYING FOR MY SERVICES!
Education is important right? Why isn’t my phone ringing with anxious parents? I’ve been a teacher and seen the tragedy that is a report card, soaked in tears as I explain what we can do to support the student and what shared responsibilities we need from them. Do I have enough money for the bill? Is it not ringing because Sprint has decided that I’ve requested one too many payment arrangements?
Is this healthy? Should I always be contemplating when I will get my next check? That’s it, I need another source of income.
Yep, I’m going to find another steady source of income while attending graduate school full-time – barely able to maintain my sanity as it is, while trying to run a functioning business in the evenings and on the weekends. But it isn’t really functioning all that well so can I even use the word functioning to describe it?
Interviewer for a new job: When are you available to start?
Me: Well…. I can start in two weeks, however I can’t work past 3 PM
I also am unable to work on the weekends
I also need time off to travel throughout the Winter months
so can I just come in when it is convenient for me? Maybe once or twice a week?
I look at jobs online almost daily.
I try to find positions that aren’t too demanding (where I can leave work, at work-and do a little homework while I’m there). Then I get excited when I see positions that fit my skill sets and fulfill my desire to do what I’m passionate about. Excitement quickly turns into a sad faced emoji, the one with the tear. Sad face-with a tear because if I take on a commitment that requires all of me, I can’t pursue my own dreams with the same level of enthusiasm.
(falls out onto the cold, ceramic-tiled kitchen floor next to a spaghetti stain. The floor needs to be mopped as I type this complaint letter to the God of spoiled millennials; but who has time to mop when you’re struggling to do the things that are a necessity like shaving my armpits-a free activity I enjoy, it’s like a free trip to the spa).
It’s crushing to want something so BAD and have to work at it! Why can’t I just have impressive ideas that become reality. Can’t I just go viral and have a highly successful private tutoring company in a fully stocked and highly attractive children’s bookstore and art studio, with a super smart, highly productive, hyper educated and helpful staff (as I squint my eyes, wiggle my long, unmanicured fingers and yell TADAA!) I think I’m working at things but I don’t really know what I’m actually doing, and figuring it out is HARD! Where is the answer key dammit!
No really. I feel overwhelmed, tired, and like I slowly am going to morph into Eeyore. I am starting to feel slightly discouraged, like an ugly troll is sitting in my belly slowly blowing out the flame that burned inside me a month ago. It stops to take a breath once a week or so, then continues to blow and spews drops of troll saliva with each newly recharged breath. I bet this troll would be awesome in a gospel choir, it could hold all the long notes.
Can I just go back to Guatemala and start all over again.
What I need:
A check in the mail
Clients that pay not just clients who enjoy what I can do
A network of support
Another check that can pay for a marketing campaign
And another check for a printer and office supplies
Can these things just show up in the morning under this cold pillow that won’t let my weary brain stop planning, worrying and worrying some more? I have jury duty in two weeks and am elated! Jury duty equals a check! Pick me please! Yes I am highly conservative, no I’m not black, yes I think that criminals need to be punished to the furthest extent of the law. Did I win? I’m going to be the juror that drags it out so I can continue to get paid. This is that steady source of income I was talking about.
It sucks that my first blog after a short hiatus is this. But this, is life. So often we dress up reality. Turning over the burnt biscuit to expose it’s golden flaky side for the Instagram post. Well my shit is burnt and I’m showing it to you. Plus, I can’t afford my therapist right now so you guys will have to suffice.
Until next time!