Appreciation is the word of the week

Appreciation is the word of the week

Good morning! A spirit of gratitude and appreciation has been brewing in my soul as of late.  As I continue to make my best attempt at balancing school, tutoring, dreaming big and being awesome, along with all of the demands of taking on a job with the University; I am often succumbed to emotions of doubt, confusion and defeat. While grinding and giving each project my all, there are often setbacks that seem to always arise.  Hurdles that include cancelled tutoring sessions, school tasks that often take up a significant amount of time, assessments that cost more than my earnings bi-weekly, study sessions that require my attention and precious students who are discouraged and need my heavy lifting. I often feel like my energy and spirit are drained at the end of a day and I take a bucket of discouragement home to dump on my kitchen table.  A warm bed seems like the perfect place to lay down my burdens. But my brain goes into overdrive, replaying what I could’ve done better. It is my nagging calendar reminder, preventing me from actually sleeping and is the gasoline to the fire of anxiety that swells. Immediately after picking up mail from the post office this week, a car backed into my bumper causing minor cosmetic damage to the car.  The beloved Honda Accord now has Milwaukee war scars ‒ well more scars if I include the damage from babealicious plowing into a snow bank a few winters past. The driver of the other vehicle frantically walked up to my weeping Honda and began to spew her sob story.  What I quickly deduced was that this woman was stressed, overwhelmed, upset and slightly irrational. As I exited my vehicle to assess the damage, I peered into hers and saw two beautiful brown children, with fright all over their faces.  Her rapid fire yelling, turned into a muted whisper as my mind contemplated the emotions of these terrified babies. If you ever want to break me down, bring me a child or a puppy, YOU WIN. Before I could collect any of her information (she carried no insurance, the car had no plates, she had no license.  What info she was going to produce is still unknown to me) she'd ran to her get away chariot, jumped a curb as sparks flew from the underbody of her gloriously shitty Avalon and sped off! In shock I did the only thing a rational person in my situation would do. I stood there on the corner of Center and Teutonia and cried.  The Honda and I collectively wept. [...]

Welcome back Ashley!

Welcome back Ashley!

To the loyal followers of the BPUM who have seen me and asked with puppy-dog-eyes, “when are you going to blog again?” This one's for you! It's been too long!  As I sit in my kitchen waiting for my first, hot skillet of homemade pancakes to bubble at the center; my fingers and soul itch to blog! How long has it been?  At least before Thanksgiving so that’s almost...November, December, January, February, March, end of March almost April. That’s A LONG TIME! What have you been doing all this time? I traveled a little in December and January (a long, long, long road trip from Milwaukee to Cali.)  After that I returned to Milwaukee and the grind of graduate school ‒ if someone would have explained to be at length the process of writing a thesis and conducting research, I would’ve gladly stopped after undergrad!  That’s pretty much what my life has been since mid January. The steady grind of my graduate school coursework (3 classes), thesis ‒ oh yeah and trying to build my tutoring business. The tutoring business (if it can even be called that) is a constant struggle.  The curse of choosing a career path that leads to a soul overflowing this joy, does not offset a wallet full of air.  In terms of education as a business ‒ a profitable business, I’m not so good at the profit part yet. I have the passion, the skill set, the knowledge-base, the patience, and the drive.  I lack the marketing skills and iron fist. Iron fist? I envision sticking by my policies and expectations and slamming down my fist to depict my level of seriousness. Scenarios where an iron fist would be useful [...]

Shaking off the funk: Ashley we are not a princess

Shaking off the funk: Ashley we are not a princess

I’ve concluded that the Vtine (theBpum as you know me) is a spoiled, fortunate, truly privileged young whiner!  Yes, it is true, I am one of those people who is so blessed, so favored, that when things don’t go exactly my way I crumble.  “That sounds completely insane right”, I ask with my legs crossed as I sit at my comfy kitchen table.  Drinking my $1.06 Arabian bean, partially burnt (I swear) Mcdonald’s coffee, complemented with six teaspoons of sugar and three Coffee Mate original creamers.    Being favored and loved deeply is a blessing and a curse!  It has created a little Frankenstein and the more I am favored, the more the little monster inside me feeds and grows bigger (clearly Halloween is still on the brain). [...]

A fresh 30 year old’s letter to her 20-something self

A fresh 30 year old’s letter to her 20-something self

Ashley, young, glorious, courageous, curious child You have grown Grown into a confident, honest, humble, vulnerable being Twenties were fun, spontaneous, reckless, painful, disappointing and full of meaningful experiences You made it and now stand on the other side, reflective and grateful You’ve learned patience, understanding, compassion, love and how to walk away You’ve experienced heartbreak, shame, sorrow and forgiveness Been uncertain about who you were and your worth Allowed others to define you That doesn’t work so well young dreamer [...]

Millennial “my life is hard” rant

Millennial “my life is hard” rant

Why didn’t anyone tell me life as an entrepreneur was so hard! Nobody speaks about the adversity of struggling to build a brand and a business Nobody is on Instagram with a sad face and a bank account statement with a negative balance No one is making the tough decision between going to dinner and staying home to eat the same dish you’ve been making with slight modifications for the past month. No one explained to me that the money I had saved up was actually NOT going to be considered savings once I quit a full-time job. The warmth and comfort of a full-time job is soothing. Familiar. Going to bed knowing that a check will welcome you every other Friday whether you deserve it or not is like sniffing heaven. [...]

Friendship Hurt and Forgiveness

Friendship Hurt and Forgiveness

Forgiveness has always been a hard thing for me.  I’m perfectly capable of muttering, “I accept your apology” through a fake smile and a church hug.  True forgiveness is where I fall short.  Moving beyond the fault, continuing to build a relation without harboring thoughts of anger or fury.  The trusting, sharing of myself and my life experiences.  Maintaining the bond and growing closer part, I don’t actually do.  I’m a professional pretender. [...]

Thirst Trappin’

Thirst Trappin’

Now that I have launched a website and am building a presence online, I engage deeply in the alternate world of social media.  More than I had ever before.  Social media is a beast and can boost the average MILF into an Instagram Vixen.  Social media turns “the funny guy” into a movie star and a D list celebrity.  Social media turns a starving artist into an appreciated master of their craft.  A single post can redirect the path of your life, mentally prepared for the changes or not.  A beautiful woman coming into herself can slowly begin a life of compromise. [...]